Today is one of those incredibly personal and uncomfortable posts to write, and whats harder is I’m not in my own home to write it. I’m in a hotel room in Georgia doing it. Earlier this month my Boyfriend lost his Mother, incredibly unexpectedly and devastatingly. So here we are to celebrate her life months later.
Its been a tough road and I expect today to be the toughest of all, today is the day that it all becomes real. Its the day that anyone dreads. The worst part was the helpless feeling, there was nothing I could do to help the pain that he was in. No matter how much I hugged, kissed, loved or tried to cook it away there was nothing I could do to make it better.
I’ll be honest, the stress of it ate at me. The panic attack pressed on me and work became impossible (I would have to walk off the floor at work) and try to just breathe. The noise, the sound and just looking at another person just becomes too much on top of everything going on in your own head and no matter how much you try to escape it all, it catches up to you and all the air leaves the room and you can’t catch your breath for anything. This is the person who always takes care of me and I can’t fix it for him.
Today is the day it all becomes to real for him, and its the day I have to admit that you can’t always make everything better. You can’t always fix it and thats ok. Not everything can or is meant to be fixed. Sometimes life sucks and its part of being an adult.
Even right now as I write this in this strange hotel room with out my pugs to cuddle me (somehow they make it a little bit better but I know they are being well loved with my friend at home) it feels like the oxygen is leaving the room. I know I can’t make it better but I know I can at least be here.